This is one of the interesting questions I received via e mail a couple of days after opening up an e mail address for my blog (name withheld)

Can you tell me something about compatibility analysis using BaZi? Have just come off a relationship with someone, and also seeing someone else…which guy to chose? Can BaZi help me in this??!!! I don’t want to make a mistake again but how do I know if this guy is right or maybe the ex is a better choice? Ex – DOB: 7/5/1974 – current – DOB 9/10/1975 me – DOB – 4/6/1976

Compatibility is a really tough question to answer when it comes to BaZi. As much as I think BaZi is hugely valuable for the purposes of planning one’s life (and that includes your romantic issues and goals arguably), should it rule your life? Should it decide who you marry or date? Should it dictate how many kids you have?

Here’s how I look at it. We should all strive to rise above and beyond our BaZis when it comes to our weaknesses and negative points. At the same time, emphasise, utilise, exploit and make the best use of the natural innate talents and advantages given to us. In other words, work on the crappy parts, and play up the good parts.

Sometimes, you can go against a path that BaZi suggests because the pros outweigh the cons. Human beings sometimes like painful experiences – people call it character building. So BaZi should guide, but it should not rule. A bit like a benevolent dictator. And being, in the words of the famous song by Yes, the ‘Owner of a Lonely Heart’, for some people, is an inherent part of growing up, going through life, and maybe even, becoming a better person/spouse.

But back to the question of compatibility – there’s lots of dimensions to the issue. How does BaZi determine compatibility? Should you still be together/get married if it is shown that you are not compatible? How much credence should you put on compatibility?

Compatibility: the question of ‘Why can’t we all just get along?’

The word ‘compatibility’ is probably not quite correct in my view when it comes to determining if two individuals should commit to a relationship. I say ‘relationship’ and not marriage, because compatibility at its most basic level, is the question of whether or not you can get along with, work with, exist with, a particular person or a group of persons. It is not just people in a romantic relationship who need to consider the issue of compatibility. It’s anyone who is in any kind of relationship – the dynamics of that relationship can be anything from work to business, familial and professional.

If you think about it, everything in life comes down to relationship. We have a relationship with the postman, the shopkeeper, our staff, our parents, even our pets. Of course, it is ridiculous to check if you are compatible with your pet, and for that matter, it is not critical if you don’t get along with your milkman or postman. But the fact is, you define how you interact with these people by your relationship. And the more important the relationship is and the more significant the manner of your interaction, the more important the question of ‘compatibility’ becomes.

I don’t really like the word ‘compatibility’ when it comes to the more important relationships in life (like the person you chose to walk down the aisle with, or a person whom you chose to embark on a entrepreneurial venture with) for several reasons. ‘Compatibility’ implies that you might get along, even if you have nothing in common, because for some obscure cosmic reason, you will get along. It carries implications of begrudging acceptance, dour togetherness and quite frankly, it is devoid of the idea that emotions play a part too in our choice of relationships.

I personally prefer the word ‘connection’. It helps explain why certain people come into our lives at certain times, and why others never cross our paths again. It explains the whole six degrees of separation theory brilliantly. It puts a context to why we find ourselves hang out with people who seem completely polar opposite to our values, and of course, why the proverbial opposites attract. And well, ‘connection’ has a distinctly more romantic twang to it, and if you like, a greater sense of ‘cosmic invisible hand’ than ‘compatibility’ (again, which sounds super-dour and dry and just yuck!).

Should you find out if you ‘connect’?

I guess it depends on how cosmic zen you are. Most people will find it ridiculous to let elemental matters dictate their friends or whether they should work in Atlanta or DC. But when it comes to who they fall in love with, everyone seeks security in the all-knowing cosmos ☺

A compatibility consult can go many ways – consults rarely have a set format although students to BaZi usually find a format helpful to get them going. You have to keep the discussion fluid and dynamic, and help the person explore options.

I have told people they are not compatible with the person they want to marry. I have also gone outright to tell a person their choice is flat out wrong.

I don’t say ‘DON’T MARRY THIS ONE’ unless I seriously think the person is making a VERY SERIOUS MISTAKE. Most of the time, I take the view that it is a personal choice.

I think the key when you are not compatible based on the BaZi chart, is to proceed to the next step with your eyes wide open. In the instance of a less than compatible chart, I recommend the couple getting a BaZi consult so that they can understand each other better, and understand the challenges of being married.

Call it marriage/relationship counselling if you like. I just think of it as the next level up in getting to know your spouse and most importantly, knowing what you are getting. If you buy a prada bag, you can expect the prada standard. But don’t delude yourself into thinking you have a real prada bag if all you have bought is an A-grade fake.

Sometimes, I recommend waiting. If the romance is a transient one, nature will take its course and hopefully, there is one less divorce statistic.

Often times, people meet someone and proceed to the next level because of the transient influences of the year’s elements (especially if it happens to be a Peach Blossom year). Sometimes, they cruise into the relationship because the elemental influences of a Luck Pillar induce what I call ‘romantic complacency’. You drift into the relationship passively, rather than actively chose to proceed forward. (this is when the guy says ‘so, um, maybe we should get married’ and the woman says ‘well, we have been dating for a while so…I guess so’ – DING!)

So should you find out if you are compatible with someone? Yes if you are working on the basis that you don’t want to waste time on a relationship that will go nowhere or worse, is not ultimately fulfilling. No, if you simply are curious and there’s nothing wrong with the relationship. Yes, if you are looking to better understand your Other Half, and the challenges of being together. No, if you just want to satisfy your curiosity!

Next week: How a compatibility analysis is done.